Thrive Counseling, serving FL, NJ & GA

Let’s begin by acknowledging that there is nothing easy or simple about this process. But in order to do it successfully, we need to accept some basic foundational truths. First, both parents want the best for their children. Second, everyone has made, is making, and will continue to make mistakes. People are born with different communication styles, raised under different parenting strategies, and may carry past traumas (including divorce). All of those things can create layers and layers of tension. They can shut down communication. At the extreme, they can alienate those we love the most—like our children.

Children watch their parents and study how they interact, deal with stressful situations, make decisions, and show care for themselves, each other, and the world around them. In times of high conflict children can shut down, becoming quiet and withdrawn, and learning to internalize their feelings and emotions so they don’t add to the tension. Likewise, they can also act out with disruptive behavior because they are unable to process or understand the tension in their home. They know something is wrong, and in their own way are trying to bring attention to it. 

That’s why moving toward a relationship that focuses on support, mutual respect, and loyalty to the children is so important. It can be the first big example that shows children how to navigate complex and difficult situations. They can then internalize what they learn and apply to their lives when confronted with peer pressure, bullying, and even challenging schoolwork. If done well, it can emphasize long-term relational outcomes. 

So, how do we get there?

It begins and ends with cooperation. 

Coparenting cooperation reduces anxiety for kids. It gives them a unified parenting message with clear expectations and achievable goals that they can understand. It reinforces the core idea that “Even if we’re not together, we’re still your parents.”

Now let’s breakdown cooperation.

The most important thing to avoid is emotional language, blame, or bringing up past relationship issues. We have to accept that we are moving into a new chapter and leaving the past behind—if only for the child’s sake. Neutral, concise, and child-focused communication is key. We recommend using the “BIFF” method: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. Written communication is always preferred for clarity, but no matter what, all messages must be focused on the child’s needs, not adult grievances. 

Next, we need to look at the key areas that involve the child’s needs. It is important to identify “non-negotiables,” i.e. things that must be met, achieved, and/or secured, vs “flexible areas” that are open to interpretation, discussion, and evaluation. Family therapy sessions are invaluable for assessing these areas, carrying values, creating shared expectations, and helping to ensure consistency across homes. 

Throughout all of this, we need to remember to resolve the conflicts that arise respectfully. No two parents will ever align perfectly, but if we can keep the child’s needs as the priority, then there is room for discussion, negotiation, and ultimately parental cooperation. We can never put the child in the middle and make them feel like they have to choose between their parents. We can never make the kids feel responsible for parents’ emotions or be forced into a position to act as a negotiator. The only way co-parenting will be a positive experience is if we always put the child’s needs first.